Worthy of Full-Throttle Faith

"We have a good, good Father. That's who He is." -Chris Tomlin
"Oh, give thanks to the Lord! Call upon His name; make known His deeds among the peoples! Sing to Him, sing psalms to Him; talk of all His wondrous works! ...Remember His marvelous works which He has done, His wonders, and the judgments of His mouth." Psalm 105:1,2,5

Whenever I need a boost in faith, I love to do just what this Scripture says...recount the works of the Lord, remember what He has done in the past, and proclaim over my future His faithfulness. He always provides, always nourishes, always pours out His goodness upon our lives for His glory. That's Who He is!!!

When God doesn't answer prayers exactly the way we want Him to, our trust is often shaken.  Yet, as we humble ourselves to seek Him simply for Who He is, He begins to show us that He is behind every answer to prayer, no matter how it came. As we mature, and especially when we become parents, we realize that a good Dad doesn't always say yes. Or rather, He says no and wait at times because His ultimate YES is always for our good. And to God, our spiritual growth and relationship with Him are center stage. He also meets our physical and emotional needs, yet in accordance with His overall plan for our lives and our ability to handle increased responsibility.

He is so good! He declares that He is the one who will meet all our needs and He absolutely does not want us to put anyone else in our God Spot. In other words, He moves heaven and earth to shift all our dependency upon Him and away from another person or ourselves or a job or a hobby to meet the needs we have. He jealously loves us and guards our affections! As babies, we rely absolutely upon someone else to meet our physical and emotional needs. Yet, caregivers all fail to provide completely for what a baby needs so children begin to learn self-reliance as well as social reliance. In other words, we build a framework of relationships, skills, and hobbies to attempt to meet most our needs. Yet, in all our developing, God allows circumstances to jar our dependence on this framework and whispers, "Fall into My arms, Child. I am Everything. The source of life and all you need to live it well."

"His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue, by which have been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises, that through these you may be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust." II Peter 1:3-4

Perhaps the first jarring shift from dependency on man to absolute, heart-wrenching dependency on God occurred for me after my miscarriage. I was a young mom with a one-year-old son and I felt shocked then excited to discover I was pregnant again. I didn't have the usual morning sickness and felt none of the usual exhaustion--the pregnancy was going wonderful! Or so I thought. Then the bleeding began. We were in Germany and a group of ladies from church prayed with me for healing. I fell across my bed and begged God to keep the baby alive. Instead she passed into this world in little pieces that simply hadn't been able to form whole and healthy. Jesus! I cried and cried.

The next morning in my living room as I wept facedown on the floor with my Bible in front of me, God showed me a vision. He showed me my little girl in heaven, praising Him in glorious white, arms outstretched, face radiant in joy before His throne. He said He had answered my prayer for His glory and praise. So that's what I named her--my precious Praise. Then Jesus told me, "You will have more children."

I believed and did everything I could humanly speaking to fulfill that promise. But I knew deep in my heart that many women suffer multiple miscarriages or can't conceive. I had no control over if or when that promise would be fulfilled. Anger toward God flooded each month I wasn't pregnant, but God knew. He showed me the deep, painful canyons bored into my heart from the miscarriage. And He said, "You can fill the emptiness inside you with bitterness or compassion. What do you choose?" I chose compassion and a month later, I became pregnant.

I rejoiced yet fear flooded too. What if I lost this baby too? Jesus said, "Ayrian, you don't know the future, but I want you to choose to be thankful every day you are pregnant." So I did and eight months later, my second daughter arrived, strong and healthy. Did God keep His promise? You bet He did. Three years later, I felt forgotten and abandoned. God stepped in, like He did for Leah, and I became pregnant. Morning sickness now was an incredibly good sign. I rejoiced and declared, "You have remembered me, oh God!"

At that same time, I began crying out to God for help about moving overseas to do full-time missions work. I felt like I could handle any place except the third-world, Communist country where my husband at the time wanted to go. I told him, "I can't go there just to please you. I have to know for certain that God wants us there." As I was folding laundry two weeks later, a clear vision flashed across my eyes. It was a scene from a Christian movie of a widowed pioneer woman sitting alone in the middle of a vast prairie--alone in a strange land. In that moment, the Holy Spirit applied it directly to me. My Abba Daddy declared over me, "I will be with me when you go to ___." I knew then that we really were called to go and that He would do all He had promised--HE would be One to provide all I needed emotionally and in all other ways. So I shared the vision and a year later, we sold everything and moved across the Pacific Ocean.

God kept His word. At first, I thought the way He was providing for my emotional needs was through my writing. He gave me a beautiful story to write about my experience in a foreign world and I came alive in writing it. I felt such joy and love and safety! My Daddy loved me! My desires and dreams and needs mattered too! He empowered me to rewrite a story from my teen years, but then a strange thing happened. My stories became the only place I felt safe and loved. They had become an
addiction. God showed me that I had to take responsibility for the health of my real-life relationships and write only an hour or so a day instead of up to 10 hours. I cried out, "If I'm never happy again, I will be responsible!"

Oh, I hadn't learned yet how very GOOD our Daddy is! He required that I attend a Discipleship Training School. I thought I knew so much, and intellectually I did. But I decided to have a good attitude even though it seemed like a waste of money. Within three days, God blew my socks off! The Holy Spirit kissed me and I felt it to the core of my being! He kept pouring rivers of love through me and on me, loving me like only the Purest of Beloveds can. For two weeks, He soaked me in Holy Spirit glory and healing.

Painful disagreements continued to occur in my marriage, but Jesus was teaching me to run to Him instead of my writing or depression. One day I sat writing a bit in our small cabin while the kids played outside. Suddenly I felt my Bridegroom's presence. He walked into the room, light upon light, kindness flowing from His eyes. I set down my pen and sat a little straighter. "Oh, it's You!" Jesus smiled. "You may keep writing." I stared. "How can I when You are here?" He sat in the chair next to
me, and He said, "I'm your husband now. And I will never turn My back on you." Oh, the wonderful safety of those words! Emotional neglect is the same as someone turning their back and walking away. Previously, God had given a word to one of His teachers that He had removed the spanking paddle from my life. Tears had poured down my cheeks at that time because that was exactly how fits of rage against me felt. And now my wonderful Savior was stepping in completely--taking over the areas abandoned and neglected, shamed and stoned. He would never abandon me!

As DTS continued, God granted me two more gifts: I became pregnant again even though we had decided to wait at least another year if not longer. Joy bubbled up. "I know this baby is from You, God, because only You can trump our decisions and make life!" My second baby boy was born in a foreign land, and although I was scared to be in that hospital room by myself, the Presence of my Beloved filled the room. I worshipped Him as He swept out all my fears and showed me all over again that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. He also opened the door for me to partner-publish my first novel. I worked with an editor online then bought the first installment of copies to cover publishing costs. I sold many to family and friends and rejoiced in God's unexpected provision through the insurance payment on our water-destroyed modular.

A year later, we returned to the States and God gave me a great desire to attend a Christian fiction writers convention in Colorado. However, we were due to return to Asia right before the convention and didn't have extra money for it. I prayed, "Please let me go next year, Lord." The Holy Spirit whispered, "Will you give up the desire to Me?" Sadness settled over me for I felt He was telling me no, it wasn't in His will for me to further my writing career. I said, "Yes." Two days later, a
check arrived in the mail from some dear friends. The note said, "Seed money for Ayrian's writing." It was the exact amount of the writers' convention being held in two weeks. I stared then rushed to ask my husband, "Do you think I can go? I know it would mean switching our tickets and buying one to Denver, but what do you think?" God moved in his heart and he agreed. I flew to the convention and God showed me two things: One, everyone respected me for who I was. Total strangers enjoyed talking to me! I felt alive and full of the Holy Spirit. Two, I wasn't afraid of airplanes even though I had just experienced a panic attack on one. God showed me clearly the panic attack came as a symptom of trying to pretend the ongoing verbal abuse didn't hurt. But it did. And in the following months, He showed me clearly that I had to bring others in for accountability, counsel, and strength. As I took the ultimate step of vulnerability and risk because I had always been warned that sharing on these issues would result in divorce, God provided incredible love, encouragement, and support through His presence as well as from family and friends.

God's provision continues to amaze me. He provides when I don't expect it. He keeps His promises when I can't. He has taught me to throw myself recklessly upon Him, learning on His strength and good, good heart. For all that He asks of me, He provides. He syncs my desires with His and fulfills them because He delights in His children. As missionaries, our income depended on the Holy Spirit moving upon the hearts of others to send support money. Never once did the support money fail. Sometimes the amount slid very low yet our expenses were low too. Other times, a huge check would arrive from someone who had never given to us before. Within the month, we had need of the money. Our Father knows what we need before we do! He faithfully taught me to rely on His goodness and ability rather than my own budgeting skills and frugality.

After my divorce, He has stretched my faith even further, asking me to live a life of generosity toward my children and others. He asks me to give monthly above tithe even though I have a college loan to repay. He is teaching me not to let my heart get small. He wants me to model to my children a life of generosity and caring for others even when we have what seems little. Like the woman with the jar of oil, we experience our Daddy multiplying what we have...what we surrender to His loving care. The children and I have never lacked, and the Holy Spirit opens up channels of provision while asking that I walk in humility and receive what He provides, thanking Him because EVERYTHING we receive is from our Heavenly Father. When I lost the full-time office job I obtained after college graduation, social security called that very hour to tell me that my son with Asperger's had been approved to receive SSI. Coincidence? No way! By the time school began, I had a wonderful part-time job with flexible hours in my preferred career field, perfect for our needs. My Daddy provides!

So what am I saying in all this? I'm saying that no human being is worthy of or can sustain our faith. Human relationships are made for blessing but must not occupy our place of utter Trust. That is idolatry. If I look to a hobby or pleasure for joy, God allows it to sour because even good things addict us. Jesus' presence is the only High that will last and never harm. Financially, if I turn my faith to the government or economy, both may collapse within a year. If I bank on a certain amount of hours at my job, my kids might get sick. If I think my parents will cover an expense, they inform me that they expect repayment. Why? Because they know that it is vital I continue to take responsibility--not just for managing my finances well but for my faith. Faith that absolutely has to be in the One who will never fail!

And you know what? Jesus never will! He alone is absolutely worthy of radical, tenacious, full-throttle faith!!!

Beloved

I whispered your name today, but you didn’t hear Me.

Do you hear Me now as towering, concrete walls stare down at you? Grocery bags weight your hands, and your heart sags with despair. Masses of Asian pedestrians surround you, yet you’ve never felt so alone.

Curious, dark brown eyes linger on you—a foreigner in their vast land. Your soul cries out. Why can’t I be happy here? Why hasn’t God made me into the missionary I’m supposed to be?

Pain latches onto My heart. “Oh, Beloved, I don’t want you to be someone different from who you are.”

Your eyebrows twitch together. Did you hear Me?

A gray-haired man hobbles close and spits out a stream of berry juice, splattering your shoes.

You wince as if I struck you.

“No, Beloved! I will never lash out at you. When I wound, it’s to heal, just like a doctor who cuts in order to take out the cancer then knits muscle and skin back together.”

But you don’t let My words penetrate as you renew your grip on runaway emotions and sacks of perishables.

You step onto a dirty street curb. Cars stream by. Horns screech and tires swerve as you weave your way through the city’s unrelenting traffic. Sweat creeps under your armpits from the island’s polluted humidity. You’re so close to paradise, yet so far. You’ve seen what others come to enjoy—the crystal beaches, sparkling sea, and ornate five-star hotels. Wealthy Asians and vacationing Westerners lounge in comfort while you struggle to climb seven flights of unforgiving, spit-stained steps to the bare apartment you try to call home.

You reach your steel door then lean against it a moment. A grimace of pain shoots across your face. The pain inside bubbles to the surface, like boiling water that can’t leave a hot stove.

The Lord didn’t send me here to make me happy. He wants me to make a difference.

 “No, Beloved, that’s not what I want.”

You jam your key into the lock, scared of connecting, frightened of what I’ll ask. You rush into the apartment and slam the door, but I enter with you.

You shove groceries into cupboards and dump fruit onto a glass table, but the flurry of activity doesn’t last. You’re too tired. Too defeated.

Your shoulders slump, and you bow your head. You walk to the westward balcony and lower yourself to the cool floor. As dusk settles over the smog-coated city, you gaze out at blinking neon lights and ache for diamonds in a velvet sky.

Passion for you—just you—burns within My heart, and I gentle My voice. “I miss you, Beloved. Will you spend time with Me?”

Anguish and longing surge inside you, but fear snatches away your sense of My presence. You jump to your feet and rush from the balcony, chased by a cacophony of accusing voices.

You’re a failure. He’s not happy with you. Run away. Hide.

You awaken your computer then stare at its fluorescent screen. You press keys, trying to breathe life into the story you’ve created, but I obscure the sentences.

“No more escaping into fiction, Beloved. You’re hurting far too much. These stories can’t give you the love that you crave.”

Tears spill down your cheeks, and finally distress overrides the risk of conversing. You whisper, breath soft as feather-down, “Jesus, I’m so sorry. I know you want me here to tell these people how much you love them, but I’m just pretending to have Your joy and love inside. Just take me to Heaven now. I’m of no more use to You.”

My heart breaks open, pouring rain onto barren ground. “Oh, My darling child, there’s nothing further from the truth. I’m not angry with you or scornful of you or disappointed. I’m not the harsh taskmaster you thought you had to serve. I love you, and I will always take care of you.”

You lift your head, and hope sparks in your eyes like dawn in an iridescent sky. “Really, Jesus?”

My heart sings. “Yes, Beloved. Really.”

Today God Speaks

For Christmas, a friend gave me the book "Heart of a Lioness" by Irene Gleeson, a missionary to the children of Uganda for 22 years before her death in 2013. She served in the heart of a war zone, founding a school and rescuing myriad children from the brutalities of being forced to be child soldiers and sex slaves. My friend said, "When I listened to an interview by her, the Lord whispered, "Get Ayrian the book."


I began reading it with reluctance. Irene's second husband left her on the mission field when the country decided to shut down the school even after the Australian couple had endured numerous hostilities and miraculous deliverances from death. All I could think was, "How depressing."


But I started reading with the question, "Okay, God, what is it You want to tell me?"


I read about Irene's salvation after years of rebelling against God and her recounting of the Lord's simple directives, guiding her and her husband, comforting her in loss, and strengthening her in adversity. I thought, "Well, You do that for me, Lord."


She shared about the Lord directing them to the mission field. I thought of the word God spoke to me when I realized He really did want me to go overseas: "I will give you everything you need." And He did.


She shared about God strengthening her to forgive and continue the school on her own after her husband abandoned her. I thought about the days I sat by myself in a little cabin during my DTS, struggling with loneliness and emotional abandonment. The Lord stepped into that cabin and spoke clearly to my heart, "I will never turn My back on you."


I recalled the times when God gently warned me of crisis, preparing my heart to respond like Jesus. He showed me something was wrong concerning my marriage while we were stationed in Germany, just nights before I found my husband viewing pornography. My response was filled with grief and yet forgiving.


Years later as I washed dishes, living with my children at my parents' house, the Lord placed a swift vision before my eyes. I saw a bonfire and my ex-husband burning hundreds of copies of my book Love that is Blind. The Lord said, "If he burns your book, will you forgive him?" I said, "Yes, Lord" and relegated the vision to the background of my mind, assuming the Lord had simply been testing my character. I didn't know how accurate the vision was until I discovered that over 10 boxes of my book that I had left in Oregon no longer existed. I said in shock, "God told me something like this would happen." My ex said derisively, "Serves you right."


The Lord has faithfully shown me numerous times visions and spoken words that bear witness to a current work He is doing or a direction He wants me to take for the future He has for me and the children. When I lived at my parents' home, I repeatedly saw visions of the children and I living in a two-story home with bedrooms upstairs, a white-picket fence and a tree in the yard. The visions were consistently the same but I didn't relate them to a prophecy. I just accepted this spiritual haven as a place where the Lord was gentle and kind to me, husband in my divorced state just as He had been in my hurt while married.


Then one day, I saw with my spirit my Heavenly Father's eyes twinkling as He said to me, "I have a surprise..." I tried to hear the rest, but His words trailed off, tantalizing, teasing, loving. That afternoon I received a call. There was a four-bedroom, two-bath home available for the kids and I in a good neighborhood if I wanted it. It had laundry hook-up and had been newly remodeled. I jumped at the chance, switching my deposit last minute from a much smaller home with no laundry hook-ups. That month as I climbed the stairs of my new home, the Holy Spirit opened my remembrance. I ran to the window and looked out and began to laugh with joy. The white picket fence wasn't around a large yard, but it was there, around my patio, and a small tree stood just a few feet beyond. And here I was--upstairs where the kids and I slept and prayed our bedtime prayers!


Even as I rejoiced over my new house, great distress hit me as two of my children's misbehavior at school escalated beyond my control. I cried and wept and begged God for help. The after-effects of divorce had become massive, triggering stress-related outbursts. In the middle of my day--agony a burden I couldn't shake--the Lord showed me a vision of a gorgeous orange sun on the horizon. He said, "What do you see?" I said numbly, "A sunset." For it felt like the end of hope to me. He said gently, "Look again. It's a sunrise." And as I looked again with the eyes of my spirit, the sun burst over gorgeous mountain peaks with all the beauty and promise of a brand new day.


Two weeks later as I drove the kids to school, we took a slightly different route to their new school, my heart still ached over whether I had made the right choice to transfer them and whether it would help. Just as I turned onto the street to their school, the exact replica of the vision appeared right before me in reality. My breath caught. The mountain peaks were gorgeous and snow-covered in the distance behind MountainView Elementary, and the sun was bursting up and over them with orange then sparkling yellow brilliance. How amazing! The Holy Spirit confirmed the truth within my soul and I knew with absolute certainty: I had made the right choice. We were going the right direction. Jesus would heal my children of their anger, confusion, and orphan hearts.


And you know what? He keeps doing exactly what He's said. Like Irene, I've been a missionary and I've struggled through fear and abandonment. But what the Lord wanted to show me as I've read her book is that we don't have to be on or heading to the mission field for Him to lead, comfort, and sustain us. He speaks to all of us, all the time. If we're listening. If we want His guidance. If we want Him.


It's just Who He is.