Worthy of Full-Throttle Faith

"We have a good, good Father. That's who He is." -Chris Tomlin
"Oh, give thanks to the Lord! Call upon His name; make known His deeds among the peoples! Sing to Him, sing psalms to Him; talk of all His wondrous works! ...Remember His marvelous works which He has done, His wonders, and the judgments of His mouth." Psalm 105:1,2,5

Whenever I need a boost in faith, I love to do just what this Scripture says...recount the works of the Lord, remember what He has done in the past, and proclaim over my future His faithfulness. He always provides, always nourishes, always pours out His goodness upon our lives for His glory. That's Who He is!!!

When God doesn't answer prayers exactly the way we want Him to, our trust is often shaken.  Yet, as we humble ourselves to seek Him simply for Who He is, He begins to show us that He is behind every answer to prayer, no matter how it came. As we mature, and especially when we become parents, we realize that a good Dad doesn't always say yes. Or rather, He says no and wait at times because His ultimate YES is always for our good. And to God, our spiritual growth and relationship with Him are center stage. He also meets our physical and emotional needs, yet in accordance with His overall plan for our lives and our ability to handle increased responsibility.

He is so good! He declares that He is the one who will meet all our needs and He absolutely does not want us to put anyone else in our God Spot. In other words, He moves heaven and earth to shift all our dependency upon Him and away from another person or ourselves or a job or a hobby to meet the needs we have. He jealously loves us and guards our affections! As babies, we rely absolutely upon someone else to meet our physical and emotional needs. Yet, caregivers all fail to provide completely for what a baby needs so children begin to learn self-reliance as well as social reliance. In other words, we build a framework of relationships, skills, and hobbies to attempt to meet most our needs. Yet, in all our developing, God allows circumstances to jar our dependence on this framework and whispers, "Fall into My arms, Child. I am Everything. The source of life and all you need to live it well."

"His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue, by which have been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises, that through these you may be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust." II Peter 1:3-4

Perhaps the first jarring shift from dependency on man to absolute, heart-wrenching dependency on God occurred for me after my miscarriage. I was a young mom with a one-year-old son and I felt shocked then excited to discover I was pregnant again. I didn't have the usual morning sickness and felt none of the usual exhaustion--the pregnancy was going wonderful! Or so I thought. Then the bleeding began. We were in Germany and a group of ladies from church prayed with me for healing. I fell across my bed and begged God to keep the baby alive. Instead she passed into this world in little pieces that simply hadn't been able to form whole and healthy. Jesus! I cried and cried.

The next morning in my living room as I wept facedown on the floor with my Bible in front of me, God showed me a vision. He showed me my little girl in heaven, praising Him in glorious white, arms outstretched, face radiant in joy before His throne. He said He had answered my prayer for His glory and praise. So that's what I named her--my precious Praise. Then Jesus told me, "You will have more children."

I believed and did everything I could humanly speaking to fulfill that promise. But I knew deep in my heart that many women suffer multiple miscarriages or can't conceive. I had no control over if or when that promise would be fulfilled. Anger toward God flooded each month I wasn't pregnant, but God knew. He showed me the deep, painful canyons bored into my heart from the miscarriage. And He said, "You can fill the emptiness inside you with bitterness or compassion. What do you choose?" I chose compassion and a month later, I became pregnant.

I rejoiced yet fear flooded too. What if I lost this baby too? Jesus said, "Ayrian, you don't know the future, but I want you to choose to be thankful every day you are pregnant." So I did and eight months later, my second daughter arrived, strong and healthy. Did God keep His promise? You bet He did. Three years later, I felt forgotten and abandoned. God stepped in, like He did for Leah, and I became pregnant. Morning sickness now was an incredibly good sign. I rejoiced and declared, "You have remembered me, oh God!"

At that same time, I began crying out to God for help about moving overseas to do full-time missions work. I felt like I could handle any place except the third-world, Communist country where my husband at the time wanted to go. I told him, "I can't go there just to please you. I have to know for certain that God wants us there." As I was folding laundry two weeks later, a clear vision flashed across my eyes. It was a scene from a Christian movie of a widowed pioneer woman sitting alone in the middle of a vast prairie--alone in a strange land. In that moment, the Holy Spirit applied it directly to me. My Abba Daddy declared over me, "I will be with me when you go to ___." I knew then that we really were called to go and that He would do all He had promised--HE would be One to provide all I needed emotionally and in all other ways. So I shared the vision and a year later, we sold everything and moved across the Pacific Ocean.

God kept His word. At first, I thought the way He was providing for my emotional needs was through my writing. He gave me a beautiful story to write about my experience in a foreign world and I came alive in writing it. I felt such joy and love and safety! My Daddy loved me! My desires and dreams and needs mattered too! He empowered me to rewrite a story from my teen years, but then a strange thing happened. My stories became the only place I felt safe and loved. They had become an
addiction. God showed me that I had to take responsibility for the health of my real-life relationships and write only an hour or so a day instead of up to 10 hours. I cried out, "If I'm never happy again, I will be responsible!"

Oh, I hadn't learned yet how very GOOD our Daddy is! He required that I attend a Discipleship Training School. I thought I knew so much, and intellectually I did. But I decided to have a good attitude even though it seemed like a waste of money. Within three days, God blew my socks off! The Holy Spirit kissed me and I felt it to the core of my being! He kept pouring rivers of love through me and on me, loving me like only the Purest of Beloveds can. For two weeks, He soaked me in Holy Spirit glory and healing.

Painful disagreements continued to occur in my marriage, but Jesus was teaching me to run to Him instead of my writing or depression. One day I sat writing a bit in our small cabin while the kids played outside. Suddenly I felt my Bridegroom's presence. He walked into the room, light upon light, kindness flowing from His eyes. I set down my pen and sat a little straighter. "Oh, it's You!" Jesus smiled. "You may keep writing." I stared. "How can I when You are here?" He sat in the chair next to
me, and He said, "I'm your husband now. And I will never turn My back on you." Oh, the wonderful safety of those words! Emotional neglect is the same as someone turning their back and walking away. Previously, God had given a word to one of His teachers that He had removed the spanking paddle from my life. Tears had poured down my cheeks at that time because that was exactly how fits of rage against me felt. And now my wonderful Savior was stepping in completely--taking over the areas abandoned and neglected, shamed and stoned. He would never abandon me!

As DTS continued, God granted me two more gifts: I became pregnant again even though we had decided to wait at least another year if not longer. Joy bubbled up. "I know this baby is from You, God, because only You can trump our decisions and make life!" My second baby boy was born in a foreign land, and although I was scared to be in that hospital room by myself, the Presence of my Beloved filled the room. I worshipped Him as He swept out all my fears and showed me all over again that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. He also opened the door for me to partner-publish my first novel. I worked with an editor online then bought the first installment of copies to cover publishing costs. I sold many to family and friends and rejoiced in God's unexpected provision through the insurance payment on our water-destroyed modular.

A year later, we returned to the States and God gave me a great desire to attend a Christian fiction writers convention in Colorado. However, we were due to return to Asia right before the convention and didn't have extra money for it. I prayed, "Please let me go next year, Lord." The Holy Spirit whispered, "Will you give up the desire to Me?" Sadness settled over me for I felt He was telling me no, it wasn't in His will for me to further my writing career. I said, "Yes." Two days later, a
check arrived in the mail from some dear friends. The note said, "Seed money for Ayrian's writing." It was the exact amount of the writers' convention being held in two weeks. I stared then rushed to ask my husband, "Do you think I can go? I know it would mean switching our tickets and buying one to Denver, but what do you think?" God moved in his heart and he agreed. I flew to the convention and God showed me two things: One, everyone respected me for who I was. Total strangers enjoyed talking to me! I felt alive and full of the Holy Spirit. Two, I wasn't afraid of airplanes even though I had just experienced a panic attack on one. God showed me clearly the panic attack came as a symptom of trying to pretend the ongoing verbal abuse didn't hurt. But it did. And in the following months, He showed me clearly that I had to bring others in for accountability, counsel, and strength. As I took the ultimate step of vulnerability and risk because I had always been warned that sharing on these issues would result in divorce, God provided incredible love, encouragement, and support through His presence as well as from family and friends.

God's provision continues to amaze me. He provides when I don't expect it. He keeps His promises when I can't. He has taught me to throw myself recklessly upon Him, learning on His strength and good, good heart. For all that He asks of me, He provides. He syncs my desires with His and fulfills them because He delights in His children. As missionaries, our income depended on the Holy Spirit moving upon the hearts of others to send support money. Never once did the support money fail. Sometimes the amount slid very low yet our expenses were low too. Other times, a huge check would arrive from someone who had never given to us before. Within the month, we had need of the money. Our Father knows what we need before we do! He faithfully taught me to rely on His goodness and ability rather than my own budgeting skills and frugality.

After my divorce, He has stretched my faith even further, asking me to live a life of generosity toward my children and others. He asks me to give monthly above tithe even though I have a college loan to repay. He is teaching me not to let my heart get small. He wants me to model to my children a life of generosity and caring for others even when we have what seems little. Like the woman with the jar of oil, we experience our Daddy multiplying what we have...what we surrender to His loving care. The children and I have never lacked, and the Holy Spirit opens up channels of provision while asking that I walk in humility and receive what He provides, thanking Him because EVERYTHING we receive is from our Heavenly Father. When I lost the full-time office job I obtained after college graduation, social security called that very hour to tell me that my son with Asperger's had been approved to receive SSI. Coincidence? No way! By the time school began, I had a wonderful part-time job with flexible hours in my preferred career field, perfect for our needs. My Daddy provides!

So what am I saying in all this? I'm saying that no human being is worthy of or can sustain our faith. Human relationships are made for blessing but must not occupy our place of utter Trust. That is idolatry. If I look to a hobby or pleasure for joy, God allows it to sour because even good things addict us. Jesus' presence is the only High that will last and never harm. Financially, if I turn my faith to the government or economy, both may collapse within a year. If I bank on a certain amount of hours at my job, my kids might get sick. If I think my parents will cover an expense, they inform me that they expect repayment. Why? Because they know that it is vital I continue to take responsibility--not just for managing my finances well but for my faith. Faith that absolutely has to be in the One who will never fail!

And you know what? Jesus never will! He alone is absolutely worthy of radical, tenacious, full-throttle faith!!!