It's been awhile since I've written anything. Change does that...brings a different focus and different outlet. A writer never stops loving writing, though, and God refreshes the seasons of the heart according to His purposes.
A long time ago, my Daddy God spoke to my heart and those words reverberate through my soul again: the only responsibility of a child is to please her Father. It seems so simple and life tries to make it so complicated. I've pushed and prodded, using all the methods I learned in psychology, thinking these efforts would somehow create a different result. But in the end, after applying all the worldly ways of manipulating human behavior and reactions, I fall down at the feet of Jesus again, utterly spent and without capacity to change anything that matters, without the ability to make things right instead of wrong.
And I discover that utterly empty is exactly where God wants me to be. You see, our pastor put it so well in church today: a child is without capacity to do anything except what their parents provide. And that is where Jesus wants us--utterly dependent upon Him. He is the vine. We are the branches (John 15:5). But oh how quickly, I forget! I want to protect myself from hurt so I work the system and the emotions of myself and others. I try reward, punishment, promises, and threats. Oh Daddy, how tumultuous my heart and soul become when I'm always trying for the right angle to get the outcome I want when what You want is just one thing--Eyes on You. Focus on Your heart. Ears attentive to Your voice (Psalm 27:8).
And if you ask me to love without holding back...to sacrifice without reservation...to forgive and give when it hurts oh so bad...then that's when I have to become a child again. A child who desires only one thing: just to please You. And when I do--when I let go and surrender and weep my love out as only love can weep--that's when I discover the peace that I've been missing. That's when the murky cloud of depression, despair and anger melts away from my mind and I see clearly: You are Love and Your love is all I need. If I'm hurt, You heal me. If I'm rejected, You wrap me in arms of pure Acceptance. If I'm broken, Your fingers alone knit me back together.
Amazingly, when I let go and leave myself empty before You and others, You work in those around me and I see change where my ploys wreaked only havoc. You touch hearts and minds and souls and do what only You can do. You're the parent and I'm the child. And that's the only place I want to be.
